friends

hi, zoey again. i need friends…

i have many friends. shallow friends. deep water friends. but i still only have johnny at my core.

i want best friends again. like that one girl in middle school. she was my best friend. until i found out how horrible and immature and despicable she was. i need a “girlfriend”. johnny is more than enough for me, truly… but i want friends too.

another thing… i never make friends with people who have the same interests as me. i met johnny’s friends a while back… their interests fit well with johnny’s. i never have friends with people i can talk to about WoW, console gaming, reading mangas, cosplaying, catchy tunes, oldies, cartoon shows, porn sites, etc. i always make friends with people who are nothing like me. i guess it’s a good thing that i can get along with all kinds of people… but i also miss having friends that like the same stuff as i do.

reminiscing about middle school… fun and dark times. i had really close friends. is it me? am i the problem? i never seem to create long lasting CLOSE friendships… just regular ones. but i’m always the one trying to tell them that whatever they’re doing is stupid/dumb/annoying/bad. people never take it easy when you tell them their wrong. i don’t either but i’ll get it eventually if you keep pressing the issue. and i definitely will not run away from our friendship…

i need real friends. friends that won’t back down if i criticize them… friends that won’t ditch me when we have fights. friends that won’t betray me or hurt me on purpose… friends that won’t immediately side with someone who has badmouthed me and will actually ask themselves “was isay being that bad? was it really like that? she must have her own side of the story.”

no friend of mine has ever considered my side of the story. whenever there’s a huge split in a group of friends, no one ever, EVER takes my side into consideration. i know it’s an argument, but people not directly related to the conflict will be swayed so easily by just a few lies. it happens to me over and over… i’m meant to have only one true friend.

johnny… johnny is all i need anyway. he’ll protect me from people. “i hate people, johnny…” i find myself saying this a lot lately. johnny just holds me and says “i know.” it’s not fair. why does it always happen to me? i never criticize them just for the sake of making them feel bad. i’m telling them how to improve, and it’s not just an opinion… it’s bad habits like “choosing your small-time crush over your bestfriend” or “eliminating the existence of your friend in your group because she flirted with the boy you like”. i don’t get it…

johnny’s my only true friend. is that sad? whenever johnny says he’ll leave me i feel like i’ll be all alone. i have friends, shallow friends. but johnny is the only i can to talk to, heart to heart. johnny’s all i need… it’s sad isn’t it?

thanksgiving

yo yo happy thanksgiving/killing off native americans day. anyway i wanted to discuss some weird dreams i had last night…

well i had the usual nightmare. johnny going into an accident on his way to norcal and perishing in a terrible fire….

then i had pleasant dreams after.

in my dream, i turned 20. johnny took me out for dinner at a great place, nothing fancy. we were somewhere… it didn’t look like california. it looked like new york. it looked like we were near rockefeller or maybe central park? i’m not sure. in the middle of the street he dropped down on one knee and asked me to marry him. my reaction was off… i covered my face, turned around, started saying “Omg omg omg omg” and of course people were smiling at us. he asked me pretty loudly/boldly. and then i said “… uh.. YES! YES! YES!” speechless much?

then it panned to a scene where we were at a dinner or dinner party or something at someone’s house. it kept changing from someone’s house to a beach party. it was someone’s party for something, i wasn’t sure. but then johnny announced our engagement. his WHOLE family was there. i think it was his family’s party. only my mom and ate and ninong were there. everyone was shocked… my mom ate and ninong congratulated me, but no one from his side seemed too pleased. the first question that his mom asked was “Well when’s the wedding? Zoey doesn’t even have a job yet.” of course… but then my mom was also curious. I told them that johnny and i made an agreement to actually get married once I’ve spent a few years in a job. of course that made them curious as to why johnny proposed so early… i actually don’t have a solid answer for that. it’s easier to say we’re engaged. and it’s easier to reject guys when i show them a ring on my finger! and of course… i just want to be his already… and being engaged is a step closer.

then it fast-forwarded to our wedding. my friends from chemistry were there and they were real party people, especially Malerie! i had a beautiful filipiñana dress. custom made for me. i’m not sure how much it cost. johnny was waiting for me at the altar with his barong… he looked so handsome!!!!!!!!!! i was skinny and he was built/skinny. i’m not sure where the wedding was held. people from the philippines were there, but not all of them. i remember i said something at the reception… something like “for everyone who never had any faith in us… is now nom-noming on the free food at our wedding reception. so bite me.” everyone close to us laughed, the others… well, you could see that they stopped eating! it was a glorious victory… then we partied!

johnny kissed me so gently and softly and warmly… and of course it was a wet kiss, he always does that… but yeah, he kissed me that way in front of his family.. it was so… i dunno… i was so embarrassed still… but he held my face…. and kissed me… IT WUZ AWSUM!

well that’s the end of the fantasy for now i guess. my family was supposed to leave by 11:00am to go to oxnard today. i dunno what they’re up to. see ya!

Why I will never use any device other than my iPod to play music

So here I am, back again on this blog, in the middle of the night.

In any case, let me start this off with, it’s been a long time, but I have a rant that I really want to post about.

So, I just got an HTC EVO 4G, and it’s the best phone I ever had… Ever. Seriously, coming from a Samsug Rant, being only able to stay with Sprint, the EVO 4G was the best thing that happened to Sprint in recent times. But there is one thing that is seriously annoying me right now.

So, I’ve had my iPod Touch for at least half a year now, and even though iPhone OS is so much smoother than Android, I want to carry only one device… So, I said to myself, why don’t I just sync all my music.

And thus the problems began. Syncing with the EVO was not only a hassle, but once I was able to get all my music on the device, it still would not play all of my music. Not only that, I need (read: NEED) playlists since I have a set of music I want to use for RINGTONES ONLY, and the rest I want to actually listen to. So I used Winamp to create an m3u playlist: simple, but not effective. Then, I created a /playlist directory, and that finally made my Android device able to see the playlist I created. Then when I started up the playlist, I could only play HALF my music.

So I did some research, downloaded MediaMonkey since it is able to sync to Android devices as well. This time, MediaMonkey could not play all of my music itself, so why would I expect it to be able to sync my music to my Android phone successfully.

All 334 songs are playable on iTunes and my iPod Touch. All 334 songs are playable in Winamp. Only about 140 of those were detected in my Winamp-created playlist on my Android phone. Around 90% was playable in MediaMonkey. And only 317 (including my 11 ringtones) are playable by Android if I just try to play every song I copied onto the micro SD card.

Solution: keep my iPod Touch. Remembering all my problems before using my Samsung Rant as a music player, getting a Sansa Fuze, and then going back to my iPod Shuffle, and now this, where my Android phone can’t even play all of my songs, shows why Apple is king in the portable music space. My songs “just work” on my iPod Touch. No hassle. No sync issues. No files being unplayable (and note that I ripped most of my music using my own batch file of LAME for mp3 and Nero for AAC, so saying that I am getting these issues because I ripped with iTunes is FALSE) on my iPod. I may not own a Mac, an iPad, or an iPhone, and I may criticize Apple elitists for being elitists, but Apple knows what they are doing.

On a side note, even though I am a power Windows user, I respect Apple for making their Operating Systems (iPhone OS/iOS and Mac OS X) so smooth and responsive on inferior (and overpriced) hardware. THAT is what optimization is all about.

Anger

So as usual, I get overly enraged, I throw my phone, and there goes my Asus UL30A-X4. And off I go buying a UL30vt-A1 off of buy.com and my last paycheck.

This is seriously an unhealthy relationship. We should just end it.

single?

it’s 1:41 AM and now i’m alone. i haven’t been alone for a while now… 20 days until my 18th birthday and i’m alone. as usual it’s all my fault. i said johnny should just leave and he did. he called my bluff. but this time i let him leave. i don’t know when to stop pushing him so i guess i’m disciplining myself. how far can you push a man? try to learn by just stopping everything. i don’t know if johnny will be here tomorrow or not. this time i’m not counting on him to be. i’m not bawling, i’m not screaming. i’m just really sad.

it seems that johnny and i have many misunderstandings. even during the argument about the misunderstanding. i wish everything was clear from the beginning so we could just go back to being happy. he assumes, i assume. he thinks i’m doing something bad to him, i think he’s doing something bad to me. all misunderstandings or miscommunication.

i want to cry. but i’m being successful at just gritting my teeth and letting the tears stream quietly for now. (looking for my charger, ugh). can’t find it… anyway. i think i’ll be… miserable. i’ll be miserable without johnny. he was my soulmate. no shit. and you only have one, you know? i guess even soulmates can’t make it anymore. johnny would disagree though. he knows there’s a better zoey out there for him. he knows it, and he intends to find her.

good for johnny. but i’ll just stay alone for a while. a long while. he’ll never come back to this blog most likely. i don’t know why i’m not as sad as i thought i would be once johnny left. maybe it hasn’t sunk in yet. maybe i’m still hoping he’ll come back tomorrow.

maybe. but i think… this is really for good now. i don’t know. johnny is gone. he’s… really gone.

i miss you already johnny.

money?

well i’m definitely going to community college. i didn’t get into any UCs… not even davis. well, i didn’t apply to santa barbara, santa cruz, merced OR riverside… so it was mostly the mid to top tier UCs (lol). anyway i’m over it, i’m going to IVC so i can cross enroll into UCI, and eventually transfer there.

ok. so tomorrow i’m finally getting a bank account. i know i know, almost 18 and i still don’t have one. believe me, i’ve tried. thank GOD for chase, since they have checking accounts made especially for students. this isn’t my main point either.

i’m trying to sell all of my crap. mangas, OSTs, miscellaneous books, some Ed Hardy shoes that don’t fit me at all, and other asian swag. i’ll make a page just for it. although i don’t know how to advertise the wordpress blog anyway. ah well. anyhow i’ll figure it out. peace.

Fatigue and long days

So Johnny is back.

First things first. Final Fantasy XIII is awesome. I only played a few hours of it on my roommate’s PS3, but it was a good demo for me… I have to restart playing it on her PS3 since the save file is unplayable after transfer. Good thing you can skip cinematics in the game. Otherwise I’d be screwed. I can’t wait to play it on my HD monitor!

Pokemon HeartGold and SoulSilver are coming out this weekend. I can’t wait to get it so I can have my Mew walk around with me on the world map (Yes, I’m geeky like that). That’ll be 2 games I’m playing in parallel.

Work is work right now. I’ve been tired the whole week. I don’t think it’s because I pulled off an all nighter when I played FFXIII. I was really tired today for some reason. I had a headache this morning and I was super fatigued, so I got out of bed at like 10:30 ish. I go ahead and take a shower and read my email after that, and it turns out that I had a 10 o’clock meeting. Not only that, it was a meeting for Zephyr, which is  a high-priority thing for the company right now. Mr. C.E.O. even said to some of my co-workers that they better not miss the deadline.

So I felt really bad for missing the meeting. I even called my boss and emailed him “sorry I missed the meeting” but he didn’t respond for a while. I got scared. It turns out I’m not put on a super high priority task on it, and my boss sounded ok, so I’m fine right now. I did end up getting a lot of tasks done today, though one thing I’m doing overnight is updating the dreaded RTM version of Windows Vista to SP1 and SP2.

So that’s this week’s news…

For some reason, I have taken a liking to Kagami from Lucky Star again. She gets jealous of Kagami all the time, though there really is no reason to. Zoey is the top of everyone in my mind and heart. Kagami is just a cartoon character. She’s cute and has pretty eyes and stuff, but Zoey is just so much better, and she’s real. I don’t know why she gets jealous so easily.

Anyways, with respect to Kagami, I added a new wallpaper in my Windows 7 slideshow with Kagami, Kyou from Clannad, and Nagi from Hayate no Gotoku. I was thinking of just making it a completely anime based wallpaper, but I already have a few with Nagisa and Ushio, so I didn’t feel like adding them, and I just made it a tsundere based wallpaper. Plus I hate it when my wallpaper gets too crowded. A wallpaper I would like to have is one of Zoey’s drawings of herself in the Lucky Star art form. She started, and it looked good, but I can’t wait for it to be finished. But yeah, she gets jealous too easily.

I’ll be seeing her tomorrow night. I haven’t seen her in so long… Well, over webcam we see each other, but that doesn’t count. I went to Vegas last week, so I missed seeing her for a while now. Can’t wait! We’ll be having fun, and then we’ll trade systems again. It’ll be awesome. Well… That’s it for now. I don’t really know what else to talk about. Alright, I’m out.

i got my first college rejection a few days ago. i wasn’t too sad about it then… or two days ago… or yesterday. but now…

so i haven’t been to school in a while. i’ve been dreadfully sick, plus i was also lazy. but i’ve been going to school this week, which is a good thing of course…

to reflect back on my high school career… i should’ve worked harded. sure, there were reasons where i couldn’t, where i was limited and whatnot. but still, i could’ve tried harder. and plus, i’m stupid. why did i put such a hard major down. no wonder they wouldn’t take me for it. what am i going to do now? i’m scared. i’m not getting into any other school except the one school i really didn’t want to go to but got accepted for it. is it karma? am i being punished? no… it’s just what i get for not working hard enough, or as hard as others. what the hell. i thought i could do this. i thought i could deal with not getting into my number 1 school.

why does a person like me have a number 1 school anyway? i’m stupid. i have a GPA of 3.05 WEIGHTED. 2.77 unweighted. jesus christ. NO extracurricular activities. NO sports. almost ZERO community service. what good will i do if they DO get me? another lazy bum in their college i guess.

i’ll admit it. i’ve cried over it… but i haven’t told anybody. i was always jokingly sad or, boo-hoo-ing in a comedic way when we spoke about it. but deep inside, it hurts me. i thought i could make it. but really, i have no reason to think that. i don’t have the stats to back me up. all i have is my personality and my background. i wonder why i got rejected. i want to know specifically. i’ve cried about it… and at this rate, i SINCERELY think i am NOT getting into ANY other college. i’m so stupid… i wished for it. i told myself to expect not getting in, but images of me attending a sweet college like that couldn’t escape my mind. fuck myself. i hate myself. i’m never letting this happen to my kid.

even if i have to kick their butts and have them hate me in the end. it’s all worth it kid. freshman now, they say they don’t care about college. they’re going to care. high school is going to kick your ass. don’t get too cocky. fuck it. UC irvine… why do i want to go there all of a sudden now? god damnit. it’s only march 4 and i’m getting so worked up. in a few weeks i’ll be getting my 5 denied letters from all of them.

can i handle it? how do i prepare myself for it… oh god. what shame… i’ll be so ashamed. i’ll be the only one in my family who didn’t get into a college of their choice. god i’m so stupid. why did i have to do this. i can’t turn back time. i’m stupid. i regret everything. everyone was right. the counselors, parents, friends. martin, you were right. i should’ve listened to you. i thought i had it under control, but i was wrong. even if i did have it under control, martin, i should’ve kept you in mind.

i wish i was smart like him. like johnny that is. but i’m not. do i even want to be an engineer anymore? i don’t know. i don’t know…. i just don’t want to be like this anymore. i wanted this to be an exciting time. but no. i’ve made it harder for myself. i can’t do this. i’m so hopeful though. why am i always so hopeful? i try so hard to look at things the bad way. i tell myself to. i tell people that it’s the way i see things.

but no. ever since i was born, i was always a hopeful person. fuck. i’ve tried SO LONG to get rid of that. but it doesn’t really workout. fine.

i’ll admit it. i’m hopeful. I WANT TO GET INTO UCI. I WANT TO GO TO UC BERKLEY. I WANT TO GO TO UCLA. I HOPE I GET IN. I HOPE I GET IN. i want to know what it’s like to dorm. i want to go to a college where i start there, and finish there. ALL FOUR YEARS. IT NEVER WORKS OUT FOR ME. i had to move during elementary school. i switched schools for middle school. HIGH SCHOOL WAS WORSE. I SWITCHED EVERY DAMN YEAR UNTIL JUNIOR YEAR. i never build a reputation. i never get to have as many friends. even though i try, i’m so limited. but no… college is going to be the same. if i don’t get into that UC… i’m going to have to transfer again from a cal state. or city. god why… why can’t i have this. just ONCE in my LIFE i could finish somewhere completely. start there completely. be with everyone the whole way… i always get separated. i always, always have to take the hard way out. transferring isn’t so bad. in general, it ain’t. it’s a good money saving thing.

… but… i always… i just… why can’t i… i… it’s not… fair… i can never be with everyone… and build roots… become president… have connections… reputation… friends… bonds… it’s not the same. wait. i don’t even KNOW what it FEELS like to be with people for so long in the same school. i don’t even know… i need… foundation. i want to be… with them… i want to be somewhere where i don’t have to be scared of leaving that place… why… why is it… this way… god… why….

March – a Month of Awesomeness

So… March is here. That means Epic Video Game Times ahead!

Firstly, there’s GDC. Nintendo has one Keynote with Yoshio Sakamoto, but I doubt Nintendo will make a big showing. They had their Media Summit last week, so we’ll see how it works out.

Then… The games. Final Fantasy XIII, March 9th. Pokemon HeartGold and SoulSilver, March 14th. Fragile Dreams: Farewell Ruins of The Moon, March 16th. Red Steel 2, March 23. So many games! So little time!

I can’t wait for the months to follow as well. Super Mario Galaxy 2, May 23. Metroid: Other M, June 27. Monster Hunter Tri, April 20. Sin and Punishment: Star Successor, June 7. Arc Rise Fantasia, June 22.

Which reminds me, I should update my games I need to beat list to include the original Sin and Punishment.

In any case, all of this within the next 4 months to come… That BETTER mean Nintendo is going to have one HELL of an E3 this year *crosses fingers*. God… Too crazy!

Also, I found out we had Disney’s Silly Symphonies DVD set at home. I ripped them, and I’m currently encoding them right now for myself. Those shorts are so nostalgic for me. The next set of cartoons I’d love to get my hands on are the old Tom and Jerry cartoons. That would be pure awesomeness. I wouldn’t need to show my kids TV anymore when all these greats are at my fingertips (or in my hard drive to be more specific).

And I still need to beat Final Fantasy IX and Grandia and Final Fantasy X since all those games are just around the corner (literally in one week).

Well. This is Johnny, signing off.

Mondays

So over the weekend, my idea at work had been bothering me.

So as soon as I get back to work, I check my email… No replies. I guess I made that document too long. it was 9 pages of mostly pictures though. I also made the techs restart one of the failures in our testing last week. That should finish tomorrow.

In any case, I started writing my own brontosaurus script. It was hard because I never really wrote a complete one myself. I knew most of the commands that I wanted to do, but there was one thing I didn’t know how to do and my script really depended on knowing how to do that one thing. So, it took me a couple of hours, maybe, to figure out what I really wanted to do.  But then, even after the script was complete, things still didn’t go as I expected. So that also took me a couple of hours to figure out what was really happening. So after that, I just sent off instructions and my script to my co-workers. And I left work at that. Hopefully they try it out tomorrow morning or whenever they have free time. I partially hope this script is a success, because it was my own idea.

So now, I’m with her. She’s actually the one typing, it’s kind of funny. She keeps adding her own words and rewording my own sentences. derp. See, like that. Anyways, we finally made love after a long time. It was awesome. Now I’m tired. And we should sleep, because she’s sick. But it was fun. Well I guess that’s it for now.

This is Johnny, signing off.