i got my first college rejection a few days ago. i wasn’t too sad about it then… or two days ago… or yesterday. but now…

so i haven’t been to school in a while. i’ve been dreadfully sick, plus i was also lazy. but i’ve been going to school this week, which is a good thing of course…

to reflect back on my high school career… i should’ve worked harded. sure, there were reasons where i couldn’t, where i was limited and whatnot. but still, i could’ve tried harder. and plus, i’m stupid. why did i put such a hard major down. no wonder they wouldn’t take me for it. what am i going to do now? i’m scared. i’m not getting into any other school except the one school i really didn’t want to go to but got accepted for it. is it karma? am i being punished? no… it’s just what i get for not working hard enough, or as hard as others. what the hell. i thought i could do this. i thought i could deal with not getting into my number 1 school.

why does a person like me have a number 1 school anyway? i’m stupid. i have a GPA of 3.05 WEIGHTED. 2.77 unweighted. jesus christ. NO extracurricular activities. NO sports. almost ZERO community service. what good will i do if they DO get me? another lazy bum in their college i guess.

i’ll admit it. i’ve cried over it… but i haven’t told anybody. i was always jokingly sad or, boo-hoo-ing in a comedic way when we spoke about it. but deep inside, it hurts me. i thought i could make it. but really, i have no reason to think that. i don’t have the stats to back me up. all i have is my personality and my background. i wonder why i got rejected. i want to know specifically. i’ve cried about it… and at this rate, i SINCERELY think i am NOT getting into ANY other college. i’m so stupid… i wished for it. i told myself to expect not getting in, but images of me attending a sweet college like that couldn’t escape my mind. fuck myself. i hate myself. i’m never letting this happen to my kid.

even if i have to kick their butts and have them hate me in the end. it’s all worth it kid. freshman now, they say they don’t care about college. they’re going to care. high school is going to kick your ass. don’t get too cocky. fuck it. UC irvine… why do i want to go there all of a sudden now? god damnit. it’s only march 4 and i’m getting so worked up. in a few weeks i’ll be getting my 5 denied letters from all of them.

can i handle it? how do i prepare myself for it… oh god. what shame… i’ll be so ashamed. i’ll be the only one in my family who didn’t get into a college of their choice. god i’m so stupid. why did i have to do this. i can’t turn back time. i’m stupid. i regret everything. everyone was right. the counselors, parents, friends. martin, you were right. i should’ve listened to you. i thought i had it under control, but i was wrong. even if i did have it under control, martin, i should’ve kept you in mind.

i wish i was smart like him. like johnny that is. but i’m not. do i even want to be an engineer anymore? i don’t know. i don’t know…. i just don’t want to be like this anymore. i wanted this to be an exciting time. but no. i’ve made it harder for myself. i can’t do this. i’m so hopeful though. why am i always so hopeful? i try so hard to look at things the bad way. i tell myself to. i tell people that it’s the way i see things.

but no. ever since i was born, i was always a hopeful person. fuck. i’ve tried SO LONG to get rid of that. but it doesn’t really workout. fine.

i’ll admit it. i’m hopeful. I WANT TO GET INTO UCI. I WANT TO GO TO UC BERKLEY. I WANT TO GO TO UCLA. I HOPE I GET IN. I HOPE I GET IN. i want to know what it’s like to dorm. i want to go to a college where i start there, and finish there. ALL FOUR YEARS. IT NEVER WORKS OUT FOR ME. i had to move during elementary school. i switched schools for middle school. HIGH SCHOOL WAS WORSE. I SWITCHED EVERY DAMN YEAR UNTIL JUNIOR YEAR. i never build a reputation. i never get to have as many friends. even though i try, i’m so limited. but no… college is going to be the same. if i don’t get into that UC… i’m going to have to transfer again from a cal state. or city. god why… why can’t i have this. just ONCE in my LIFE i could finish somewhere completely. start there completely. be with everyone the whole way… i always get separated. i always, always have to take the hard way out. transferring isn’t so bad. in general, it ain’t. it’s a good money saving thing.

… but… i always… i just… why can’t i… i… it’s not… fair… i can never be with everyone… and build roots… become president… have connections… reputation… friends… bonds… it’s not the same. wait. i don’t even KNOW what it FEELS like to be with people for so long in the same school. i don’t even know… i need… foundation. i want to be… with them… i want to be somewhere where i don’t have to be scared of leaving that place… why… why is it… this way… god… why….