it’s 1:41 AM and now i’m alone. i haven’t been alone for a while now… 20 days until my 18th birthday and i’m alone. as usual it’s all my fault. i said johnny should just leave and he did. he called my bluff. but this time i let him leave. i don’t know when to stop pushing him so i guess i’m disciplining myself. how far can you push a man? try to learn by just stopping everything. i don’t know if johnny will be here tomorrow or not. this time i’m not counting on him to be. i’m not bawling, i’m not screaming. i’m just really sad.
it seems that johnny and i have many misunderstandings. even during the argument about the misunderstanding. i wish everything was clear from the beginning so we could just go back to being happy. he assumes, i assume. he thinks i’m doing something bad to him, i think he’s doing something bad to me. all misunderstandings or miscommunication.
i want to cry. but i’m being successful at just gritting my teeth and letting the tears stream quietly for now. (looking for my charger, ugh). can’t find it… anyway. i think i’ll be… miserable. i’ll be miserable without johnny. he was my soulmate. no shit. and you only have one, you know? i guess even soulmates can’t make it anymore. johnny would disagree though. he knows there’s a better zoey out there for him. he knows it, and he intends to find her.
good for johnny. but i’ll just stay alone for a while. a long while. he’ll never come back to this blog most likely. i don’t know why i’m not as sad as i thought i would be once johnny left. maybe it hasn’t sunk in yet. maybe i’m still hoping he’ll come back tomorrow.
maybe. but i think… this is really for good now. i don’t know. johnny is gone. he’s… really gone.
i miss you already johnny.
